fuck off

Ever get the feeling you can’t do anything right? Don’t you just fucking hate it when you do something, something that you cannot see anything whatsoever wrong with, and someone has a go at you for it? Even though they have done something similar in the past? I would explain, but I am having trouble typing due to being angry and having just carried a heavy thing.

So yeah, I’m a bad person and I don’t understand why. Perhaps I have some sort of personality disorder that means I am incapable of understanding how other people feel? Perhaps the stupid fat bitch at Warwick was right, perhaps I am..what was it she said..oh yeah, a psychopath. Mind you, I’ve never SWF’s someone, and I’ve never tried to make all of someone’s friends hate them by lying about them. Which is what she did, because she was fucked up. I might sound uncaring by saying that, those of you who were around at the time will know that’s not the case. I did care, too much. That’s why I got hurt. Badly. That’s why I might seem a little..’off’ sometimes, because I am never really sure if people can be trusted.

Anyway, maybe she was right. Because I don’t get it, I don’t understand what the fuck I have done wrong. At the same time I am being selfish about something else, BUT I am not actively being so, just thinking. Being pissed off about something but not actually letting on, because that’s what I do isn’t it..because of her I am too scared to let anyone down and do things for myself. Because if I do maybe someone will do it again, maybe someone will go out of their way to fuck things up for me. Which I really can’t be dealing with…not again.

Don’t bloody well start asking me if I am okay either, because I am always okay. I just need to wrrite shit like this sometimes because people do shit that fucks me off and people say things that make no sense and don’t explain them, and make me feel like shit. Happy to this in 15 seconds. It is THAT easy. Nice one. Thanks a lot.

further PROOF that i am “not normal”*

 

* to understand why “not normal” is funny, you will need to inspect jhay’s recently purchased butthole surfers (sorry, i meant [expletive deleted] surfers) record. some of this was heard in the phouse last night, i rather enjoyed it.

People have always thought I was a bit weird. Not everyone, some people think I am normal, but quite a few people. Like, at school, they thought I was weird. I know this for a fact, mainly because my parents had to come into school and discuss me with the headteacher one time, because all the teachers thought I was a bit different or something. Sometimes they even had good reasons.

Mainly it is Jhay, or my parents, but mainly Jhay that have reason to think this stuff, because they know more of the things I do than most people. Jhay especially, because he even gets to hear my MAD THOUGHTS (this is a Peter Baynham reference, it’s really funny if you *get* it, but most people won’t).

So, anyway. Think what you LIKE, but earlier I discovered that I could not only listen to live (but not really live, there’s a 5 minute delay) air traffic controllers and pilots talking to each other, but also see a nice radar thing with call signs, speed, altitude and things on. How amazing is that? It’s quite addictive. Why? Why have I been listening to it for so long? Do other people do things like this? Obviously someone must do, otherwise there wouldn’t be a website, but they probably have sensible reasons or something. I don’t. So, next time a myspace quiz asks me what I do to relax (actually that might have been a thread on waffle) I will be able to write, “I play scrabulous while drinking gin and listening to air traffic control frequencies.” Thus making my answer both mediocre and random.

Next time I am in a hotel room, late at night, on my own and unable to sleep I will listen to this. Previously I have tended to go for Radio 4 / BBC World Service, the shipping forecast is particularly pleasing if you can’t sleep and are in a Holiday Inn and on your own and the bar has shut. The shipping forecast is great, it’s like one of those comedy shows that you only really *get* after watching them for quite some time. Only it’s not funny. The ATC stuff isn’t funny either. Listen to the WHOLE shipping forecast some time and concentrate on it, try and understand it, then listen to it again the next day. Try and really understand it, compare it to the last one you heard and have forgotten. It’s not got many memorable moments.

Of course, there are people who understand the shipping forecast, who USE it and to whom it matters. Here’s a bit of the one on the BBC website at the moment: “Tyne Dogger:
East or southeast 4 or 5, decreasing 3. Slight or moderate. Mainly fair. Moderate or good. Fisher: Variable 3 or 4. Slight or moderate. Fair. Moderate or good.” Not exactly sure what that all means, but to those involved in shipping it is, no doubt, important. I know where some of the places they mention are (and I mean the ones that no-one ever seems to know of) because I once helped make a windstorm catastrophe model when I had a proper job. This reminds me of several amusing stories about the term ‘cat modelling’ being misunderstood by non-reinsurance people, and the time that I thought some people in my office didn’t understand how to pronounce ’statistics’ when they were actually saying ’stochastic’, but I digress…

At times, I imagine the shipping forecast must be extremely important, and ATC is blatantly so. It differs from the shipping forecast in that it goes on…well, forever I suppose, depending on what area you’re talking about. Also, the shipping forecast hasn’t got gaps in it, whereas this does. I’m hesitant to actually recommend doing this to anyone else, I will probably end up telling someone about it when I am drunk or something, Then they will look at me like I am weird, but I can tell my blog! You can tell a blog anything you want, it won’t care. You might end up finding out that someone read it and people now know you’re NOT NORMAL but hey, I spent a short time today convinced I was going to prison, and that was worse. Other worse things include pleural effusions, food poisoning and having to call your parents to say, “I’m in hospital, I’ve done something to my back,” when they ask you how your holiday is going.

Chin, chin xXx

o hai (normal service will be resumed shortly)

so yeah, to ‘the friends’ of the interweb, whom i have been neglecting or terrifying in recent weeks..sorry, sorry for being a crap friend, sorry for not replying to people, sorry to the people who have been asking me why i’m not shooting anymore and everything else..i am still doing it, i will be back on flickr by popular demand in the very near future. i will also be replying to people again and being less shit at communicating. i think everyone knows what has been going on. crazy fucking times, but it had to happen.

and to answer various recent queries and concerns..yes i am eating, i’m fine, i haven’t thrown my cameras away or any mental shit like that. i did decide i hated all my photos at one point and that i sucked but i think i’m due a ‘too damn cocky’* phase again soon so that’ll be nice.

i’m well down with rouge noir right now, yet slightly disturbed by remembering that i told my boss that i bought it ‘because it chips better’. errrm..oh, i am also loving lanyards because i am a bit sad really and free shit from jagermeister makes me happy. it was the great escape last week and i was fearing it but then we weren’t too busy and i discovered the pack AD who i now love and the first night of the GE was hairhole which is always a good thing. actually, heh..the first night of the great escape was..very very very good indeed..

the walking-stress-madness combo has resulted in me being a size fucking 10. yep. wtf? well, that’s what following stu mittleman’s words and being hella stressed does to you. the former being a good thing. my foot is still being a bit shite but it could be worse.

i have also developed a shopping problem. well, it’s not a problem but victoria has created a monster. i’ll get over it. probably just in time to be in a situation where my parents want to take me shopping and by then i’ll be back to ’shopping sucks i wanna go have a pint/build a remote control car/climb a tree’ or whatever.

i am sad about the thing, but i am, at the same time, incredibly fucking happy and having a good time. this is mainly down to me having some damn fucking cool people around me. they know who they are. i think..do they? you have to wonder sometimes, if people know how awesome they are. everything feels like an adventure, and it’s kinda scary but it’s fun

* as dalek once said..it was to do with putting up tents and building fires but i think it can be applied to many things, i’m either that or the total opposite..c’est la vie

there’s a lot of things i should probably write something about

Current mood: curious

 

but i think anyone who ever reads this crap will know what’s been going on. crazy times. penthouse, premier inn, the playground, at some point i found myself to be at a house and breaks night in a club and then not being allowed into the volks and then i was inside the fence that was round the bit of grass by the church being rescued from the mobile ‘phone battery fuck up, more penthouse, loud noises have been involved. fell off a roundabout, can’t do pull-ups, ball bearings, jagerbombs and line cleaning, sandwiches from the 24 hour shop by the hotel, lots of beer in glasses in fridges, going home at 6am and then 9am, mcmuffins, fat guppy’s, bottle of vodka, vodka, penthouse, smoking, shellac. the dudes from uk subs are really nice but their fans suck, pink corky’s is nice, vodka and malteser drink, lip gloss, good music, errors, yoga. i went to buy some jeans and i tried on the usual size, the one below that, the one below that..now only clothes from when i wasabout 19 fit me, how fucking crazy. babybel. good gigs, ipod madness, general madness. sometimes the bar feels like being in a zombie film, chipped rouge noir, candles and not knowing what to say. thank fuck for friends. welcome to the new world.

oh yeah

my new lip gloss fucking rules

shit

Current mood: crazy

 

beer + voka + JD + kahlua + ice + water = running amok

mess

were those crisps or packaging material?

oh man

yay!

i’ve been out walking in the sun by the sea and listening to jane wiedlin and it was good. so, who wants to do something to put me back in a shitty mood? it’s only a matter of time. that’s pretty pessimistic isn’t it? well, experience has made me like that. shit happens. ooh housework! brrrrrrrrrrrr.

more good things

1. discovery that i can copy all my text messages on to my computer, meaning i can not only keep them, i could even print them if necessary. wow. modern life.

2. remembering that can put any song i own on mobile as ringtone. yeah, my profile song..that one.

3. mental as anything

4. jolene

5. the car washing dudes at the marina

6. sun

7. amazing new iPod toy that means i can have all the musics in the car. oh technology.

8. the person responsible for my obtaining 7

9. yoga marc because it seems like my foot/ankle is fixed, not because of the doctors, but because marc is awesome.

10. n-trance

11. well this isn’t 100% good as it involved a degree of peril, but being able to reply to requests for tornado warnings on the other side of the atlantic, without wires! well maybe there were wires involved, under the sea perhaps? or satellites? i don’t know..but anyway..

12. i’m going walking later, and i cannot fucking wait.

minor adventures

they’re a bit good aren’t they

actually, having an operational D key is also good. not that i have fixed the vaio yet. this keyboard is better. that is all.

hold tight xXx

i can’t remember if i actually mentioned this fact

but BMW own. totally. because i called them up and they said they would be with me in 90 minutes, texted me to say it would only be half an hour and were with me in 20 minutes, then the nice man got the car to start, then he tested the battery and it was fucked so he put a new one in, and this was all for free! and it was all my fault not theirs. so that was rather good and meant that i could inform paul and hugh that the stupid car problem was sorted out.

i still haven’t got the blood test results so there is still no answer to the question ’what is wrong with my stupid foot’ and it’s not so bad but i really have to go walking. soon. really.

i’m actually really tired but i couldn’t sleep so i am writing crap again.